Category: Change

There is a song performed by Bonnie Raitt in which she sings the line, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.” I realize that this is meant to be a song to a rejecting lover, but each time I hear it, I think of how much those words can be applied to the child that I was and to the many other children who are abused and/or neglected by their parents each year.

I tried. I tried when I was a child. I tried when I was not a child any longer. But I never did make you love me. For as long as I can remember I had wanted my parents to love me. I wanted to matter to them. I wanted them to care that I was alive. When I was growing up, I always felt that I was in the way. My father was not in our lives, and my mother never wanted me to be around her. “Don’t bother me.” That was her primary message to me as I was growing up and even after I was an adult. I was not to bother her.

I never knew as a child what I did that bothered my mother so much; to this day I still cannot pinpoint what I did to annoy her. I knew from age five that the less contact I had with my mother, the better she liked it. I cannot ever remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me. I don’t even remember her ever spanking me. But I do remember the never ending messages that I was not welcome in her life.

I wanted you to love me so much. I wanted you to care about me, care that I was alive. I tried to be a good little girl so you would love me, but no matter how good I was it never worked. My mother never beat me. That would have meant that she would have had to spend some energy on me, and that she was unwilling to do. She never blatantly abused me, never called me names that I can remember. She would have had to acknowledge my presence in order to do that. No, her abuse was more subtle, and in many ways, more devastating to me as a person.

The fact was that I was not a person to her. She simply pretended that I did not exist. Any time that I reminded her of that fact, like talking to her, or wanting to be with her, she would tell me to go away and not bother her. It was best if I stayed out of her way. I was very quiet and shy, never did much wrong, trying to please her. Nothing I did, or did not do, seemed to make her care about me.

I tell you this sad story not to get your sympathy. I talk about this only to raise awareness about subtle child abuse and the importance of eliminating it. There is an old saying, “Children should be seen and not heard.” I disagree with this because it is vital that we not only see children, our own and others, but also hear them. We must recognize them and acknowledge their importance. We must let children know we care about them and that they have a place in our lives. If we do this, they may grow up to be better adults and better parents to their own children.

What can you and I do today to acknowledge the children in our life?

What can we do to make them feel valued and cared about every day?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

As I traveled through Alaska years ago I experienced something I don’t usually encounter on a daily basis.  I traveled through many, many tunnels.  Some really short; some very, very long.

During certain times in all our lives it may seem that we are in darkness, in a tunnel if you will.  During these trying times we may feel alone, maybe even helpless.  Darkness envelopes us and we are unable to see far enough ahead to where there will be light again; where there will be happiness and peace again.  We have no way of seeing what is ahead, what is in the future.  In life we would like to see beyond the darkness, so we can plan and prepare for what is ahead.

Being in the dark part of our lives is often uncomfortable and can render us paralyzed, unable to make decisions.  We could move forward and soon be out of the darkness if we could accept our dark periods and then strive to get to the light. How many times do we stay stuck in the middle, in the dark?  Not willing to move toward an unknown source of light ahead because sometimes the unknown tends to be scarier than the dark could ever be.  Unfortunately, we will stay in the darkness if we don’t move at all.

I believe we choose our paths in life.  Sometimes these paths are easy; sometimes we may find a big mountain right in the middle of our journey.  We could turn back; we could try to go over the mountain; we could try to go around it.  However, sometimes the only path that will work is to go straight through the mountain, which may include a dark tunnel.  That may be the only way to get through to the other side, to get to the light.

So, what can we do?  Well, we can do nothing.  We can stay still and not move at all when fear of the darkness, fear of the unknown hits.  However, if we do nothing, don’t we stay in the dark longer?  Isn’t hitting our head a few times or stubbing our toe now and then better than staying stuck?  Isn’t it worth a little pain to move forward in the tunnel (in our life) so we can get out of the tunnel and see the light again?  One way to do this is to remember other times in our lives when we made it through a dark time and then came out the other side, into the light, into a better place. We made it through the darkness before and we can do it again!

The roads of our lives will sometimes lead us through the darkest of tunnels. These roads can also eventually lead us to the brightest parts of our future.  Are these roads worth it?  Only you can answer that!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

It is the end of 2022, the start of 2023.  Like many people I am looking back at what this past year has brought me and what the new year may have in store for me. 

Last year, 2022, was a year that brought me many things, whether I wanted them or not.  Of course, the biggest event of the year was the diagnosis of cancer.  In fact, it may be one of the biggest events of my life.  Certainly, one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  Some may say it made last year definitely a year to forget.  However, I think for me last year needs to be a year that I remember, remember the positive side of the difficulties I faced. 

And there were many difficulties – hearing the words, “you have cancer”, chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, side and after effects that continue to this day.  But along with these challenges were the times that were important to remember, where I experienced the best in others.  My daughter was my rock and helped me through all the tough times, with her care and her sense of humor.  My Idaho “family” who supported me in so many ways.  My friends from all over, who kept in touch and offered help and encouragement.  My entire medical team, the many doctors and nurses who endured all my questions and helped me make good treatment decisions.  I will sometimes want to forget some parts of last year, but I will definitely remember all the people who were there for me and continue to be there for me. 

I have now recovered from the worst part of my illness and am eager to start new adventures, adventures full of travel and visits with my friends.  Watch out folks – I am coming your way!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Cancer hits people of all age groups, all genders, all political sides, citizens of every country on our globe.  It is truly an equal opportunity disease.

As I have traveled this cancer road over the last year I have shared some of my feelings and challenges.  Today I want to share my thoughts regarding the people who have provided me with lifesaving treatment; the wonderful group of caregivers who provide the treatments so important to me and all cancer patients.

Day in and day out they meet with and provide care to those of us who are suffering from what may be the worst disease in the world.  Let me restate that, there is no maybe about it; cancer is the worst disease in the world. 

The amazing nurses, doctors, technicians, and other important members of the staff, have provided me with much more than just care.  They have provided me with the courage to continue to fight against my disease and not give up or get disheartened. 

I am sure I have not been the easiest cancer patient they have encountered.  I questioned all my treatment recommendations and even challenged the doctors to help me understand the benefits of needing to do all three — chemo, surgery, and radiation.  Each one of these came with side effects; side effects that could be short term and some that could be lifelong.  I willingly signed on right away for chemo, knowing my tumor was growing rapidly.  I was not so eager to have surgery and/or radiation. 

Throughout all my many weeks and several months since I was diagnosed with cancer, my caregivers truly became my life givers.  Had it not been for their patience, kindness, and encouragement I might have opted out of surgery and radiation treatments, thus increasing the likelihood the cancer would return someday. 

All my cancer caregivers have been kind, patient, respectful, understanding, and much more.  They have helped me make life altering, lifesaving, decisions.  They truly are more than my caregivers.  They are my life givers.

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

That is me, worn down and worn out.

I feel like my body resembles a long-owned piece of clothing in my closet, one that has been around too long and been worn too many times.  It is frayed and wrinkled, been washed so many times it is faded and out of shape.  That is me!

People around me, my supporters and friends, tell me this is to be expected given what I have endured this year:  Diagnosed with cancer, had a biopsy, endured chemotherapy, undergone surgery and dealing with the complications from that surgery.  Supposedly, it is normal to feel the way I do.

However, I disagree; I do not feel normal at all.  I feel defeated and depressed.  The tears come too easily, and the lack of energy is ongoing.  Mentally I am as tired as I am physically.  This is not normal, at least not the normal I used to experience.  It is hard to believe that there is an end to this dark tunnel.  Yet, believe is what I need to do.

I need to believe in my doctors and their recommendations.  I need to believe the treatments they are advocating will rid me of my disease forever.  I need to believe in my own resilience (if I can find it, that is!).  I need to believe that what is happening to me is happening for a reason, a reason way beyond my understanding. 

While I need to believe in all of the above, I am having difficulty doing so.  I am often disappointed in myself, in my lack of faith.  Faith has been the rock upon which I have survived many difficulties throughout my life.  Survived and thrived, in fact.  Keeping myself optimistic and focusing on the positives that will be in my future has been my mantra forever.  Now that mantra is being tested.  And it is a test I am not going to get an “A” on.

I know there are so many others out there in the same cancer boat as I, people who have recovered and gone on to live happy and productive lives.  I suppose I need to accept that being worn down and worn out is okay for right now.  It is my “new normal.”

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Let me tell you a little about my filing system.  Not a filing system for papers, but a filing system for impressions I hold about myself.

As a successful adult I have received compliments and acknowledgements from others regarding the positive parts of myself.  But unfortunately, these positive remarks do not always stay with me, no matter how often I hear them.  I worked hard to understand why the negative picture of myself from my early childhood years was still so dominant.  Then I looked inside myself, in my personal internal file cabinet!

The file cabinet I refer to is the one inside of me, inside each of us.  It is the one where we store the comments said to us, things done to us.  In my personal file cabinet I had plenty of file folders from my early years, a childhood filled with people sharing their negative views of me. These files had labels such as Unattractive/Ugly, Stupid, Failure, Unimportant. Even as an adult, and a somewhat successful adult, whenever I failed at a task or heard any negative remarks about myself, I had a place to file them away. They got stored in my file cabinet, along with the many others, proof of my worthlessness.

In the beginning of my “filing system” there were no file folders with positive labels.  No labels such as Attractive, Smart, Successful, Important, Caring, Kind, Confident, Dynamic, Worthy. Thus, later in life when a compliment came my way I heard it but could never keep it as part of me.  There was no place to file it inside me, no file folder for compliments.  So these positives never grew inside to help negate the negatives filling those already crammed file cabinet drawers.

What all this means is that we all have to make a place inside of ourselves for the positives we receive.  The positives need a drawer in our internal file cabinet, a big drawer.  If we can keep more of the positives about ourselves there will be less room for the negatives.  And yes, there will still be negatives coming our way; that is just part of being in this world.  But if we make less room inside ourselves for the negatives and more room for the positives, we could find more ways to remember our importance. 

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Never a word anyone wants to be associated with, that is for sure.  Never a condition that anyone wants to have, that is for sure.  Yet, it happens to many, and now it has happened to me.  I have Cancer.

One of the things that strikes me so strongly is how often I now hear the word Cancer used all around me.  I know it was probably there before, that C word, but now because it refers to me, I am astounded by the number of times I hear it every day.  Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

I think it is like when you buy a new model of car, and then you see that model everywhere.  That is how it is for me now with Cancer.  The St. Jude commercials on TV showing children with Cancer, the ads for drugs related to Cancer, the stories friends share about someone they know who had Cancer. Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

Sometimes I want to go back to the time when Cancer was not the number one word in my life.  However, that is not to be.  I have to deal with my diagnosis, make my healthcare decisions, and try to still live my life (with or without hair!).  Those who love me have to do the same for they too have to live with this diagnosis. Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

As a child we believe, we trust.

As an adult we doubt, we distrust.

As a child we do the impossible, because a child doesn’t know it’s impossible.

As an adult we do not even try because we know it cannot be done.

As a child we have the power to wonder.

As an adult we have lost some of that power, much of that wonder.

You and I live in this world, this world full of doubts and distrust.

A world where sometimes it is hard to keep that faith, keep that trust like a child.

I confront that struggle probably every day, so might you.

How do we become that child again, the one who believes, the one who does not doubt, the one who has the power of wonder? For me, it is simple.

When it is just me and God, I will be glad to be that child.

I will have the faith and trust of a child.

I will believe with faith as small as a mustard seed.

I won’t need much, not a lot, just a little.

 

Change, Grow, Evolve

 ©bcreed

Words come out of my mouth and sometimes people listen to me; sometimes they do not.  This is okay with me, for the fact is, that sometimes what I am saying is not worth listening to.

What about the words that do not come out of my mouth?  What about the words that come out of my mind, sometimes out of my soul?  These are words only I can hear.  Sometimes I listen to these inner words; sometimes I do not.

One thing that seems important to me is how valuable it can be for all of us to listen to our own inner voice. It is what some call a gut feeling; to some it would be intuition.  That inner voice often knows what is right for us.  Sometimes when speaking with like-minded friends I would talk about the power of the inner voice.  Like a personal GPS system our inner voice will point us in the right direction if we just listen to it.  Listen to it and not let our fears get in the way.

I am a very spiritual person and truly believe in a power that resides in each and every human being.  That power takes different forms for different people.  I know the form it takes for me, but I also respect others have the right to choose how it is manifested in each of them.  The form is not as important as developing the ability to tap into this power and use it to direct our lives.  It is our inner voice that reminds us of this power.

The most profound example of my own personal inner voice speaking to me came when I was in my forties.  My inner voice was pointing me in the direction of making the decision to quit my job and go to college.  Attending college was something I had always wanted to do and something I was not able to do when I was younger.  It was very difficult to walk away from a very successful career in sales and marketing, with all its financial security and perks to become a full-time student.  My fears held me back for a while.  It took a whole year of me trying not to listen to my inner voice regarding this before I took action, to finally quit my job and enroll at the university.  As usual, I can now look back on that decision with full conviction that it was the right decision for me.  I know the journey down that road was important to my personal and professional growth. My inner voice was right!!

What is your inner voice saying to you?  Where is your inner compass pointing you? Often our inner voice is the one that believes in us.  Believes in us maybe more than we believe in ourself. 

Find a quiet place.  Tune out the world and its chaos for a few minutes.  Find a place where all you can hear is your inner voice and . . .  Listen.  Listen.  Listen.

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Let me just admit it – I like puzzles.  Jigsaw puzzles.  Word puzzles.  Even life puzzles.

In my storage space in the garage there has to be over 100 jigsaw puzzles.  And that is just the current inventory.  Many puzzles have been donated to others over the years.  Our dining room table always has a puzzle on it.  In fact, I cannot remember a time when it was not covered with puzzle pieces.  One of my favorite types of jigsaw puzzles are the collages.  This is where there are individual scenes or items connected together in a frame like outline.  As one jigsaw puzzle is completed another one is started.  Finding where pieces go and fitting them together is a challenge I enjoy.  

I think we can look at life like doing a jigsaw puzzle. This may be the most challenging puzzle of all.  Sometimes I enjoy the challenges of my life, sometimes not so much.  I feel that our lives consist of thousands of puzzle pieces, just waiting for us to put the pieces together and complete one section after another of the picture of our lives.

I always start a puzzle off by finding all the edge pieces and creating a frame.  The same could be said for our life puzzle.  This life frame is developed early on, during our childhood years.  A psychiatrist once told me that a person’s character is formed very early on, before the age of five. That seems unfair to me in a way.  If this is true, then the very foundation of a person’s life is being developed long before that person is even aware of themselves.  Be that as it may, our early influencers, such as family, teachers, and others in the world have helped to form those edge pieces of our life puzzle.

Once the outer frame is completed other parts of a jigsaw puzzle can start to come together.  So it is with our lives as well.  We can piece together small sections of our life puzzle one at a time and place those pieces in our frame to view different timeframes, different experiences of our life.  What part of your life puzzle are you working on right now?

Certainly the last two years have been a difficult time in most, if not all, of our lives.  For some, there may have been illness and loved ones lost due to the pandemic.  For others there may have been financial struggles or maybe just the loneliness that came with the lockdowns and CDC guidelines on how to stay healthy. The last two years are a reminder that life is unpredictable. A reminder that we should embrace every opportunity we get to live life to the fullest. 

Now that the new year is here we have a chance to complete another part of our life puzzle.  Maybe we could connect with others we have not seen for a while.  Or maybe do some traveling we have been putting off.  Or maybe have a chance to heal severed relationships with people we love but with whom there has been mistakes made and pain felt.  Whatever part of your life puzzle you want to work on is your choice.  Make your life the best it can be this year!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed