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What’s in Your File Cabinet?

Let me tell you a little about my filing system.  Not a filing system for papers, but a filing system for impressions I hold about myself.

As a successful adult I have received compliments and acknowledgements from others regarding the positive parts of myself.  But unfortunately, these positive remarks do not always stay with me, no matter how often I hear them.  I worked hard to understand why the negative picture of myself from my early childhood years was still so dominant.  Then I looked inside myself, in my personal internal file cabinet!

The file cabinet I refer to is the one inside of me, inside each of us.  It is the one where we store the comments said to us, things done to us.  In my personal file cabinet I had plenty of file folders from my early years, a childhood filled with people sharing their negative views of me. These files had labels such as Unattractive/Ugly, Stupid, Failure, Unimportant. Even as an adult, and a somewhat successful adult, whenever I failed at a task or heard any negative remarks about myself, I had a place to file them away. They got stored in my file cabinet, along with the many others, proof of my worthlessness.

In the beginning of my “filing system” there were no file folders with positive labels.  No labels such as Attractive, Smart, Successful, Important, Caring, Kind, Confident, Dynamic, Worthy. Thus, later in life when a compliment came my way I heard it but could never keep it as part of me.  There was no place to file it inside me, no file folder for compliments.  So these positives never grew inside to help negate the negatives filling those already crammed file cabinet drawers.

What all this means is that we all have to make a place inside of ourselves for the positives we receive.  The positives need a drawer in our internal file cabinet, a big drawer.  If we can keep more of the positives about ourselves there will be less room for the negatives.  And yes, there will still be negatives coming our way; that is just part of being in this world.  But if we make less room inside ourselves for the negatives and more room for the positives, we could find more ways to remember our importance. 

What’s in your file cabinet?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Loss of Hair — Loss of . . .

It starts with the diagnosis of cancer.  Next comes the treatment recommendation — chemotherapy.  We all know what that means. 

Losing hair is often a consequence of this diagnosis and treatment recommendation.  It takes a while to happen, for the hair to start coming out; for some it will start as quickly as two weeks after the first chemo treatment.  Many will hope that they would be one of the few who do not lose their hair, but mostly that is not to be.

Once my hair loss started I would deliberately go through my hair with my fingers to remove loose hairs every day.  The hair was getting into everything so I wanted to try to control it in some way.  Maybe this made me feel I still had some power over something, over how it was going to happen.  I collected the hair in a baggie.  Not sure what I will do with this collected hair, but it seems important to keep it, as a reminder of what used to be.

It may seem that the physical loss of hair for some female cancer patients is the worst part of chemotherapy; I would beg to differ.  The loss of hair is not the end of losses these women face, that I face; it is only part of the journey.  For some cancer patients, there can be other losses. 

The loss of a sense of normalcy.  A normal day is to be no more.

The loss of femininity.  The bareness above creates a bareness within.  We look at ourselves differently now; others look at us differently too.

The loss of hope.  Hope that life will be good again; hope that we will feel good again.

The loss of control over the simplest things in life; control over any part of our life.

The loss of innocence.  We no longer are the same; we no longer face life the same.

Losing all our hair will not affect every woman the same, but it definitely will affect us all in some way.  These losses are real, but maybe in time we can replace our lost hair with a new awareness of the preciousness of life.  A new awareness of living each day to its fullest.  A new awareness of the importance of loving and being loved by the people in our lives.  In that way, when our hair eventually grows back, so will our hope that life is good!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Side Effects — Wide Effects

They are called side effects.  A generic term for some not so generic consequences of chemotherapy.  Side effects are the aftermath of poison being infused into our body as a treatment for cancer.  Side effects vary from person to person.  The types of chemo drugs used also vary and can cause different side effects.  That is what we are told when we meet with an oncologist.  They mention, almost in passing, the possible side effects of treating our cancer with chemotherapy.  Most of us have heard of some of the more common side effects:  nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, fatigue, diarrhea.   And let us not forget one of the more distressing side effects for many – the loss of all our hair.

What is not mentioned by our doctors are what I call the “wide effects.”  The wide, far reaching effects to the lives of those who love and care about us.  While our friends and families do not suffer from vomiting or nausea or hair loss, or other side effects of chemo drugs, suffer they do.  Those who love us are experiencing this devastation right along with us.  As we, the cancer patients, go through our treatment and its consequences, our friends and family have consequences too. They have the “wide effects.”

No one warned us of these wide effects; the hurts and fears and anxieties that our friends and families were likely to experience.  We are offered medication to help soften some of our side effects, but what can our loved ones take to soften the wide effects that our treatment may cause them?  How do we help the loved ones who try to hide their overwhelming fear of losing us, as they cry in private so we do not see their grief?  What can be done to help them get through what may be the worst time of not just our life, but of their life as well. 

At our appointments there was no discussion on how to prepare our family members for what was to come, the side effects they would see happening to us after each infusion.  Our loved ones have to hear or sometimes see the retching, the vomiting, the fatigue.  They are  the ones who watch as our hair falls out all over the house, falls out until there is no more hair left on our head.  There was no focus on how to help the people who see us in pain and see us struggle with the side effects of our chemotherapy. 

As we experience our chemotherapy side effects, our families and friends experience their wide effects.  They worry about us and suffer along with us.  We can see that their concerns over us are causing them pain too.  This in turn causes us to worry about them and so we may try to hide how we are feeling or how much we are hurting. 

Which is worse?  Having cancer or watching someone you love have cancer? 

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

WHATEVER IS, IS BEST — or IS IT?

WHATEVER IS, IS BEST                                      
I know as my life grows older
    And mine eyes have clearer sight,
That under each rank wrong somewhere
    There lies the root of Right;
That each sorrow has its purpose,
    By the sorrowing oft unguessed;
But as sure as the sun brings morning,
    Whatever is, is best.

I know that each sinful action,
    As sure as the night brings shade,
Is somewhere, some time punished,
    Though the hour be long delayed.
I know that the soul is aided
    Sometimes by the heart’s unrest,
And to grow means often to suffer–
    But whatever is, is best.

I know there are no errors
    In the great Eternal plan,
And all things work together
    For the final good of man.
And I know when my soul speeds onward,
    In its grand eternal quest,
I shall say as I look back earthward,
    Whatever is, is best.  

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The above is one of my favorite poems and one which summarizes how I have viewed life itself over the years.  I have always thought that things, good or bad, happen for a reason.  I believed that we can learn from each life occurrence and that as we learn we are prepared for the next life lesson that is ahead. 

But now I have cancer and even though I still believe what is happening to me must have some purpose, I find it harder to easily maintain the perspective, “whatever is, is best.”

It is hard to believe that having cancer is best in any way whatsoever.  It is hard to believe that having cancer is a lesson that is needed in my life in any possible way.  How can having cancer be best for me?  For anyone?

The final stanza of the poem states that “when my soul speeds onward, in its grand eternal quest, I shall say as I look back earthward, whatever is, is best.”  I hope this is true for me, and true for all cancer patients.  For it will be from this looking back that we can find purpose for the illness that has so infected our lives and the lives of those that love us.  For me, it will be with great joy that I see this purpose and celebrate that I was one of the lucky ones, one of the many that have navigated the cancer road.

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

Never a word anyone wants to be associated with, that is for sure.  Never a condition that anyone wants to have, that is for sure.  Yet, it happens to many, and now it has happened to me.  I have Cancer.

One of the things that strikes me so strongly is how often I now hear the word Cancer used all around me.  I know it was probably there before, that C word, but now because it refers to me, I am astounded by the number of times I hear it every day.  Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

I think it is like when you buy a new model of car, and then you see that model everywhere.  That is how it is for me now with Cancer.  The St. Jude commercials on TV showing children with Cancer, the ads for drugs related to Cancer, the stories friends share about someone they know who had Cancer. Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

Sometimes I want to go back to the time when Cancer was not the number one word in my life.  However, that is not to be.  I have to deal with my diagnosis, make my healthcare decisions, and try to still live my life (with or without hair!).  Those who love me have to do the same for they too have to live with this diagnosis. Cancer, Cancer, Cancer . . .

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

WALLS

WALLS . . .

This article is dedicated to all the survivors of childhood abuse.

Because of our abusive pasts, especially at the hands of “trusted” individuals in our lives, we have learned to protect ourselves by building walls around us and by sometimes avoiding contact with people in general.  In our childhood search for the nurturing, loving parent we never had, but definitely deserved, we sought out others to fulfill that immense void in our lives.  As a loving, trusting child we sometimes found another person, who after winning our affection, turned on us and also inflicted pain.  Because of these experiences we learned not to trust anyone, thus keeping ourselves as safe as possible.  This ultimately resulted in true isolation, sometimes a withdrawal from life itself through the use of drugs and attempted suicides. We hid behind our walls.

For many years we have been engaged in a challenging process to learn how to let healthy people into our lives.  We have overcome many of the scars from our pasts, and are determined to overcome even more.  We want to increase our ability to connect with people, and to look forward to it, rather than dread it.  And we can do that, but first we must give up some old patterns of behavior.  The automatic response of withdrawing or barricading that was our saving grace as children, now is our new enemy,  Alas, not only do walls keep others from coming in, but they also keep us from going out, making us prisoners in our own environment.

Our resiliency and determination helped us find a way out of that early prison.  Just like we found the door to our own homes, opened it and went out into the world, we must now find this other door, the door that is in the walls we use as a barricade.  This door will have a peephole, for we must sometimes still look before we open the door.  However, we must not take too long to look before opening the door, for people sometimes will think no one is inside and they will leave.  Not only will we then lose our chance to meet and connect with that person, but that person also loses.  They will be losing the chance to know us, individuals who in spite of the battles of our pasts, or maybe because of them, have much love to give.

While many use childhood abuse as an excuse to hurt others, we have used it to motivate us to offer to our own friends and families the love and nurturing we never received as children.   We have developed the instincts, the intelligence and other resources we did not have as children to discern who we will want to let in and who we will not.  This we have proven to ourselves in our connections with our families and our friends.  Look at our choice of friends, the ones we are willing to “share our soul with” and the ones who stick with us for years and beyond.  These friends have a privileged view of us that many others never get to see, for it is in the sharing of our souls that connects us to others in a way beyond human definition.  We have loved and are loved by others.  Some of us have yet to overcome our early trauma, have yet to learn how to develop true intimacy with people.  We know the battle scars that are ours can finally be replaced with love and connection, if we will trust ourselves even more now as the powerful human beings we are, and allow others into our lives.

However, our tendency still might be to protect ourselves and sometimes, maybe oftentimes, that means barricading ourselves once again behind those old walls. Beyond what we have accomplished, which is much, it is nothing compared to what we will accomplish in the future, should we decide to open ourselves to others as we have done to those chosen few in our lives.  Our task now is to accept the challenge of our lives, the one that could bring us the most joy, both personally and professionally: to trust ourselves enough to let others love us and turn some of our walls into

. . . DOORS

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

LEAF SEEKERS . . . . LIFE SEEKERS

One October many years ago I traveled through New England where I learned a new phrase–“Leaf  Seekers.”  It is a local name for people like myself who travel 3000 miles to look at the fall leaves.  Every year, thousands of people come to New England during this brief period when the leaves are in their spectacular fall colors–yellow, orange, red.

As I traveled through what must be some of the most beautiful states in our country, I thought about the changing color of the leaves.  And the spectacle of it.  The leaves change from green to yellow to orange to red to brown.  And then they die, falling off the tree to the ground.  But the greatest wonder of all is that even when the leaves turn brown and die, it is not the end of the tree.  For next year the cycle starts again.  So even if the tree loses all its adornment, its leaves, the tree lives on.  And it lives on sometimes through cold, freezing winter weather conditions.  It lives on to bloom again next year, when the leaves will again be alive with color.  This is such a phenomenon that thousands of people from all over the country come to see it year after year.

Then I thought about the changing colors of our lives, and the even greater wonder of that.  For we too have different colors to our lives.  Some of these colors bring great joy to our lives; some bring great sorrow.  But like the tree, even if we are stripped of all our adornment, OUR leaves (all external things), we will survive.  And next year (or next week, or next month, or next whatever) we will bear new leaves once again.  We will acquire new fresh, alive parts to our lives.  And then they will grow and mature, and maybe even die again.

Life truly is circular.  Nothing is constant, nothing lasts forever.  Can we stop the leaves from falling to the ground?  Do we really want to stop the trees from going through their changes?  Probably not.  For if the same leaves stayed on the tree forever, there would be no room on the tree for the new leaves to grow.

The same is true for our lives.  Can we hold on to parts of our lives we passionately don’t want to change?  Probably not.  If we did not let go of the old dying parts of ourselves, there would be no room for the new vital parts to grow and come out.  How sad you might say, if the only way for the new to come to past is for the old to die off. 

Like trees, do all people have to change?  No.  Some stay the same color all through life and that may seem okay with many people.  For others, staying the same is not what life is all about.  Is it better to experience the growing pains that come with change?  Or is it better to stay the same and never take a chance on becoming more than we have been in the past?  If we allow it to happen we will have many changes of colors throughout our lives. Some of these changes will be hard; some will be glorious.  Are the rewards of life worth the changes we go through?  That’s a decision only you can make.

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

PEAK MOMENTS

There have been times in my life that something would happen that seemed very ordinary.  For example, I would casually meet a person, who seemed nice enough but after meeting this new person, I go on about my business.  However, once in a while that casual encounter, that insignificant meeting, becomes what I have lovingly come to term a “Peak Moment.”

Peak moments are not easy to spot, for they are not accompanied by fireworks or rockets.  Peak moments, actually, only become peak moments long after the actual period of the incident.  Peak moments can only be spotted when looking back on our lives, never when looking forward, and seldom when in the present as they are happening.  They are about relationships.  It is about establishing a connection with someone that you would have never guessed you would have a relationship with at all, much less a special bond.  For you see, peak moments do not happen in the head, nor even in the heart.  Peak moments, for me, happen at the level of the soul.

This journey that we are on as human beings takes place on many distinct levels.  Our jobs, for instance, usually take place on the thinking and doing level.  Oh, we can really be committed to our careers, and can have some outstanding moments and all that.  But it is mostly a cognitive perspective that we are required to use.  A peak moment happens, or does not happen, less on a cognitive, conscious level, than on a spiritual, subconscious level.

Because it is not planned, nor are the people present even aware of the importance of what is happening, a peak moment really evolves naturally.  These chance encounters take place in an almost off-handed way.  They are the most casual of moments, which could so easily go unnoticed forever in the lives of the two individuals involved.  And yet, even the most insignificant remark, or look, or gesture, can be the thing that starts a connection with another that will profoundly change the lives of the people forever.

My friend Leah and I experienced just such a moment.  If anyone would have asked Leah or I what we thought of each other, we would not have included even casual friend as the remotest possibility.  And yet, Leah and I fulfilled a purpose in each other’s lives at the exact place in time that we were meant to.  We became special friends, friends that will be connected throughout our lives, regardless of time or space that could keep us apart.  That connection began as a casual encounter that became our peak moment.  We can both look back and identify the instant that our connection to each other began.  We grew our friendship over time, but the moment of conception of that friendship was such a casual encounter, such a simple remark made, that it could have so easily not taken place.

For me, that’s the basis of my peak moments.  It is when I look back on a special relationship and realize that the likelihood of the relationship with this person was incredibly small.  And the moment of conception, so insignificant, that it would have been easy to miss it.  And therefore, miss an incredible relationship.  A peak moment for me is a simple gesture of human kindness, that in our busy lives, we often neglect to offer another.  Something so small and seemingly unimportant, that the moment passes and, perhaps with it the connection of a lifetime.

The beginnings of friendship are not always clear and blatant.  Some of the most important relationships I have started out as the tiniest of seeds.  I would not even know a seed had been planted until much later as it grew to significant proportions.  From the tiny acorn, grows a mighty oak.  From a tiny moment of human contact, grows a lifetime connection of the spirit. 

I’m convinced that I miss many peak moments, but I have been lucky; I have also experienced a few.  I am aware that at any given time a peak moment may be happening.  Unfortunately, or is it fortunately, I will not recognize it until long after I realize the results, until I feel that special connection with another.  Without knowing which moments will make a significant difference in my life, I know I will need to remain open to all encounters I have with others and always offer that simple gesture of human kindness. 

What are some of your peak moments? 

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Mountain Roads . . .Life Roads

There are many roads to choose from in life.  Some are rather easy roads to travel.  Some seem very, very difficult.  Which of these roads, the difficult or the easy, bring us the most happiness, the most pain, the most growth?  And how do we know how to choose which road is the right one for us at any given moment in our life?

As I was traveling the Cascade Loop (in the state of Washington) a few years ago, I realized some interesting things about roads, both the actual concrete types of road (highways on the maps), and the other kind of road (the type of road we travel to find our inner self, our spiritual self, our REAL self, if you will).

On that day, driving through the Cascades, I was immersed in the beautiful scenery.  Then I realized I was missing as much as I was seeing. Traveling west along Highway 2 the views were magnificent, but I was always trying to turn around to see what was behind me.  As I glanced in my rearview mirror I kept seeing different views of the mountains.  For as I passed a mountain top and enjoyed its splendor, I realized that to see it from the other direction held another whole image for me.  The view from the other direction offered me another, a different perspective.

Maybe some of the roads we travel in our quest for inner growth are like my mountain road.  Maybe looking down the road of life from any one place offers a different view of ourselves than looking at our life from another place along that same road.  And possibly it would be helpful to see our lives from a different direction, from the reverse direction along that road.  Maybe this is why we are sometimes asked to re-travel some of life’s roads, to go over and over what seems like the same old part of our lives that we thought we had resolved.  Maybe we need to see our life not only going forward but also see it coming back the other way.  Maybe doing this can offer us something we will need in our pursuit of self-growth.  Sometimes we ask others in our lives to give us perspective on our lives from their view point; this can be a good thing.  However, it may be equally important for us to be able to see things from our own point of view, but with a different twist.  We may need to see an event in our lives not only going forward, but going backward over it, seeing it as we look back over that particular life road.

I always have some anger at myself when I seem to be sliding backwards instead of moving forward.  Just when I think I have conquered a growth step, I find myself at a dead end, and I am forced to retrace my steps, covering the same road going the other way.  Is that bad?  I always thought so, until now.  Maybe some roads need to be traveled twice, sometimes three times or even more, to learn that particular lesson a little better, or to understand ourselves from a different angle.  This might also allow us to enjoy what we missed along the way the first time.  Often times we can be so caught up in reaching our goal that we forget to enjoy the beautiful scenery along the way in our journey. 

We probably will travel some of life’s roads more than once, some maybe many times.  The trip going offers us one view of ourselves, the trip returning may offer us even a better view.  Let’s just enjoy the experiences and the view along our Life Roads.

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Road Under Repair, Life Under Repair

I like the idea that we get “stuck” in some parts of our lives, rather than we are a failure or worthless or some other term with negative implications.  Just because our life has a few flaws in it, a few imperfections, it does not mean that we should give up.  Remember, we are only “stuck.”

Being stuck reminds me of traveling in a car on the way to a destination when we might come across a “road closed” sign due to some repairs being made to the road.  This does not mean that the road is totally shut down forever.  It does not mean that it no longer has any hope of contributing to the functionality of the highway system.  Nor does it mean that the entire highway system is worthless, just because a section of it needs to be worked on.  It just means that due to some circumstance (caused by either man or nature) this road needs attention.

I think that is how we should look at our lives; we get stuck and parts of our lives need attention from time to time.  Even though many parts of our lives are working well, at times we may need to do some either minor, or even major repairs, on specific parts of it.  We will still be able to function as a whole person, carrying on as a teacher, a friend, a parent, a partner, or whatever.  However, we will need to take time to work on certain roads that are in need of repair if we hope to be able to travel that particular way in the future.

What part of your life, which of your roads, needs some attention? 

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed