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Friendships Are a Gift

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

______

Thank you to all my wonderful friends for being a part of my life.

Change, Grow, Evolve

What Can You Do (or Not Do) With Only One Hand?

I haven’t posted much lately; besides waiting for inspirational thoughts and ideas to happen, there is another reason for my lack of blogging.

I have spent the last month finding out how difficult even the easiest tasks can be when only one hand is available for use.  The fact is, I broke my wrist in February.  Since that time I have been x-rayed, had bones realigned (that was fun!), put in a splint and sling, been x-rayed again, had surgery which included attaching some metal device to my bone with screws, put in another splint and sling, been x-rayed yet again, and most recently put in a removable brace.  It has been an arduous last 30 days.

Thus, typing was not going to happen for a while.  It was interesting, and sometimes hard, to accept all the other things I could not do for myself with only one usable hand.

I could not tie my shoe laces

I could not take a shower unless my arm was wrapped in a trash bag

I could not always complete getting dressed without help

I could not fasten my own car seatbelt

I could not open a bottle of water

I could not open that annoying childproof prescription container,

(I had difficulty doing this when I had two working hands, LOL)

I could not floss my teeth in the normal manner

I could not cut my own food

I could not drive

I could not walk the dogs

There was also one new thing that has come about since my accident.  I had, and still have, new concerns about falling again.  I try to put my fears aside, but they linger.  I have never had this type of injury before and it has made me a bit nervous about going about my normal activities. 

In spite of all this I am now doing well, recovering and becoming more self-sufficient each day.  As you can see, I am even able to do a little typing!  My pain decreases each day and the doctor says my wrist is healing nicely. 

As I start to be able to do all the things listed above on my own I am reminded of the resiliency that is in all of us.  No matter the challenges we face, we will continue to change, grow, and evolve. 

©bcreed

A Year to Remember, A Year to Forget

It is the end of 2022, the start of 2023.  Like many people I am looking back at what this past year has brought me and what the new year may have in store for me. 

Last year, 2022, was a year that brought me many things, whether I wanted them or not.  Of course, the biggest event of the year was the diagnosis of cancer.  In fact, it may be one of the biggest events of my life.  Certainly, one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  Some may say it made last year definitely a year to forget.  However, I think for me last year needs to be a year that I remember, remember the positive side of the difficulties I faced. 

And there were many difficulties – hearing the words, “you have cancer”, chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, side and after effects that continue to this day.  But along with these challenges were the times that were important to remember, where I experienced the best in others.  My daughter was my rock and helped me through all the tough times, with her care and her sense of humor.  My Idaho “family” who supported me in so many ways.  My friends from all over, who kept in touch and offered help and encouragement.  My entire medical team, the many doctors and nurses who endured all my questions and helped me make good treatment decisions.  I will sometimes want to forget some parts of last year, but I will definitely remember all the people who were there for me and continue to be there for me. 

I have now recovered from the worst part of my illness and am eager to start new adventures, adventures full of travel and visits with my friends.  Watch out folks – I am coming your way!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Lost No More

I find it interesting how human resilience ebbs and flows throughout our lives.  It can seem to disappear and then reassert itself if given time.  Below are two passages I wrote independently of each other.  What a difference time and healing can make!

Written 11/27/2022

I expected my cancer to have profound effects on my body, and it did.  I lost my hair.  I lost 14 lymph nodes.  I lost my energy. And on and on it goes.  What I did not expect was how the cancer affected my state of mind. 

I lost hope.

I lost joy.

I lost interest in all things and all people.

I lost my faith that all will be okay. 

I lost my belief that anything is possible.

I lost MYSELF!

________________________________________

Written 12/12/2022

I have spent almost all of 2022 dealing with my cancer diagnosis.  From finding the lump, to the mammogram, to the biopsy, to the chemotherapy, to the surgery, to the fluid accumulation issues, to the radiation, to the . . .

It went on and on while the rest of my life was put on hold.  Now my treatments are completed, my energy is improving, and my depression is gone.  So, what now?

After focusing my entire being on fighting cancer for so long, I feel kind of lost without that focus.  Do not get me wrong – I am glad to be done with treatments and celebrate that my cancer treatments were successful.  But spending so much time dedicated to just that one part of my life has left me with a void of some type. 

It may be how a prisoner feels after serving their incarceration and then being released.  In fact, I did feel like a prisoner much of the time this last year.  A prisoner of this terrible disease called cancer.  I felt trapped in a way, trapped in a cell that so many others have served time in.  During this last year I became aware of how insidious this disease is, of how so many are afflicted with it themselves, or have loved ones who are dealing with it. 

I am free now, sort of; the fear of a return of the cancer is sometimes lurking in the background.  However, I am not going to think about that, and I am going to celebrate my life again, with an acute awareness of how fragile the time we have on this earth can be. 

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Decisions, Decisions

Throughout this year, throughout my cancer journey, there were decisions that had to be made.  Important decisions, life altering decisions, life saving decisions.  Some were easier than others, at least for me.

Hearing that you have cancer (via a phone call no less) is something no one expects to hear, and certainly no one wants to hear.  But after that comes decision time.

Do I endure chemotherapy?  Do I have surgery?  Do I undergo radiation?  This was the three step treatment plan the oncologist laid out for me on my first visit with him.  I had decisions to make.

I never hesitated starting treatment right away, because I could feel the size of the tumor in my armpit, could feel it getting bigger.  I easily made the decision to have chemotherapy and accepted all the possible negative side effects and long term effects of that form of cancer treatment. Once chemotherapy was completed, it came time to face another difficult decision.

Making the decision to have surgery was not as simple for me.  I knew that removing my lymph nodes could bring about life long consequences.  Since chemo had shrunk my tumor so much it was no longer visible in the scan images, I was reluctant to have surgery.  However, after long discussions with my doctors, I made this tough decision too.  I decided to have the surgery.

Once healed from the surgery, I faced yet another decision –radiation treatment.  After surgery, the biopsy results from my lymph node dissection were negative for any cancer.  Good news for sure, but the doctors still wanted me to undergo radiation therapy.  Again, this was a difficult decision for me.  I knew radiation treatments were going to be grueling, five days a week for five to six weeks with the likelihood of some uncomfortable side effects.  Since the scan and the biopsy of the lymph nodes showed no cancer, I wondered why I needed radiation.  However, the radiation oncologist was patient with me and provided me with the information I needed.  I was told that having radiation meant that I had only a 5% chance of reoccurrence; without radiation there would be a 30% chance of reoccurrence.  I opted to have the radiation knowing it was the best option to stay cancer free.  This was going to be the last decision regarding my cancer treatment that I needed to make, or so I thought!

It seems my doctors have other ideas for me.  They are now recommending that I start hormonal therapy, an oral medication to be taken daily for 5 years.  Yes, you read that correctly, five years.  This form of  treatment blocks estrogen production and is thought to prevent new cancer growth in breast cancer patients. Unfortunately, there are also significant possible side effects with this treatment.

It is decision time for me once again!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Care Givers — Life Givers

Cancer hits people of all age groups, all genders, all political sides, citizens of every country on our globe.  It is truly an equal opportunity disease.

As I have traveled this cancer road over the last year I have shared some of my feelings and challenges.  Today I want to share my thoughts regarding the people who have provided me with lifesaving treatment; the wonderful group of caregivers who provide the treatments so important to me and all cancer patients.

Day in and day out they meet with and provide care to those of us who are suffering from what may be the worst disease in the world.  Let me restate that, there is no maybe about it; cancer is the worst disease in the world. 

The amazing nurses, doctors, technicians, and other important members of the staff, have provided me with much more than just care.  They have provided me with the courage to continue to fight against my disease and not give up or get disheartened. 

I am sure I have not been the easiest cancer patient they have encountered.  I questioned all my treatment recommendations and even challenged the doctors to help me understand the benefits of needing to do all three — chemo, surgery, and radiation.  Each one of these came with side effects; side effects that could be short term and some that could be lifelong.  I willingly signed on right away for chemo, knowing my tumor was growing rapidly.  I was not so eager to have surgery and/or radiation. 

Throughout all my many weeks and several months since I was diagnosed with cancer, my caregivers truly became my life givers.  Had it not been for their patience, kindness, and encouragement I might have opted out of surgery and radiation treatments, thus increasing the likelihood the cancer would return someday. 

All my cancer caregivers have been kind, patient, respectful, understanding, and much more.  They have helped me make life altering, lifesaving, decisions.  They truly are more than my caregivers.  They are my life givers.

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Hold Your Breath  — You Can Breathe

I am now a radiation patient.  Radiation is the third step of the treatment my doctors have said will kill my cancer and prevent it from returning.

I have radiation five days a week on the right side of my body, basically under the arm and around my breast.  I have gotten used to the indignity of the hospital gown, the baring of my breast area and being manipulated by technicians so that I am in the exact correct position for the radiation “beam” to hit me.  Don’t get me wrong, the people at the radiation center are great.  They are patient, respectful, and very caring.  However, it is still not a comfortable procedure.

During the course of my radiation treatments I have to hold my breath several times.  This helps them get the radiation to where it needs to go.  Once the Techs are done positioning me, they leave the room and the room is sealed up.  Then it is just me and the huge machine.  Through a microphone, the technician will tell me when I need to hold my breath.  The “beam” starts its work and when it finishes, I hear the Tech say, “You can breathe.”

This whole process reminds me of how my life has been throughout this year.  I have been holding my breath (figurative speaking) since I was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of 2022.  Holding my breath with each blood test.  Holding my breath with each imaging test.  Holding my breath with each consult with various doctors.  I have been waiting to reach the end of my cancer treatments.  Holding my breath for the time when I can get back to normal.  Waiting for the fears to subside.  Waiting for someone to say to me, “You are cancer free” so I can now go ahead and live my life.  Waiting for someone to say

You Can Breathe

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Worn Down, Worn Out

That is me, worn down and worn out.

I feel like my body resembles a long-owned piece of clothing in my closet, one that has been around too long and been worn too many times.  It is frayed and wrinkled, been washed so many times it is faded and out of shape.  That is me!

People around me, my supporters and friends, tell me this is to be expected given what I have endured this year:  Diagnosed with cancer, had a biopsy, endured chemotherapy, undergone surgery and dealing with the complications from that surgery.  Supposedly, it is normal to feel the way I do.

However, I disagree; I do not feel normal at all.  I feel defeated and depressed.  The tears come too easily, and the lack of energy is ongoing.  Mentally I am as tired as I am physically.  This is not normal, at least not the normal I used to experience.  It is hard to believe that there is an end to this dark tunnel.  Yet, believe is what I need to do.

I need to believe in my doctors and their recommendations.  I need to believe the treatments they are advocating will rid me of my disease forever.  I need to believe in my own resilience (if I can find it, that is!).  I need to believe that what is happening to me is happening for a reason, a reason way beyond my understanding. 

While I need to believe in all of the above, I am having difficulty doing so.  I am often disappointed in myself, in my lack of faith.  Faith has been the rock upon which I have survived many difficulties throughout my life.  Survived and thrived, in fact.  Keeping myself optimistic and focusing on the positives that will be in my future has been my mantra forever.  Now that mantra is being tested.  And it is a test I am not going to get an “A” on.

I know there are so many others out there in the same cancer boat as I, people who have recovered and gone on to live happy and productive lives.  I suppose I need to accept that being worn down and worn out is okay for right now.  It is my “new normal.”

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

The Drain is a Pain!!

Well, here I am again writing about my journey down the cancer road.  It is like any journey, full of new experiences – some that are good and some that are not so good.  My most recent experience is with what is called a drain.

Evidently the body produces a lot of fluid after surgery.  My doctor inserted some tubing into my skin attaching it with sutures.  At the other end of this tubing is a bulb where the fluid ends up.  From somewhere inside my body a liquid discharge is making its way to the tubing.  Slowly, very slowly the fluid goes down the tubing and at the end enters the bulb. 

I have had this drain attached to me for a whole week now and I want to tell you, this drain is a pain!  Not only is there some actual physical pain at the tube’s insertion point, but there is also some other pain involved with trying to figure out how to keep the bulb end attached to my body.

Where, oh where can my little drain go

Oh where, oh where can it go

With its long tube attached

And its bulb full of fluid

Oh where, oh where can it go

😮

I tried letting it hang, hang down at my side

To drain, and drain, and drain

But then it got in the way

I tried putting the bulb into my pocket

To hide it out of sight

But others wondered what that bulge could be

🙄

Where, oh where can my little drain go

Oh where, oh where can it go

With its long tube attached

Its bulb full of fluid

Oh where, oh where can it go

The drain is a pain!!! 😀

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Man’s Search for Meaning …Woman’s Search for Hair

I

I am

I am looking

I am looking for

I am looking for hair

I know it may seem ridiculous that I, a cancer patient, a recent chemotherapy recipient, have already started to look for new hair growth on my mostly bald head.  But the truth is I am doing just that.

It has been only one month since I had my last chemo infusion so I know it is unlikely that my hair will have started to grow back yet.  Still, here I am in front of a mirror each day (sometimes more than once a day) trying to figure out if my hair has started to return to my head.

I did not lose all my hair so there is some hair on my head and it is of different lengths.  As a result, I find it hard to know if the shorter hairs were there before chemotherapy or if they are part of my new post-chemo growth.  Only time will tell.

Meanwhile,

I

I am

I am still

I am still looking

I am still looking for

I am still looking for hair

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed