barbster2021

Beyond a College Education

College is important for many reasons, not just to acquire knowledge about a specific subject matter. When I was attending the university I think I found out more about myself than I did the actual material presented in my classes and text books. It is with this outlook that I write about what I see as the most important part of being a college student.

There are two ways that higher education can help us reach our goals and aspirations. The first, and most obvious, is the knowledge and skills we can learn to help us establish ourselves in a career. The other way, and one not so obvious, is the personal self-growth that each person can experience while attending college and taking in all that external knowledge. It is that internal learning process that will also make a difference in attaining the goals and aspirations that we have for our lives.

The first way to achieve our career goals is through the expertise we attain in college, both from our general education classes and from our focus on a major area of interest. Although many students tend to shun the importance of the general education classes we are all forced to take, the fact is that this overview of the different disciplines is vital to the person seeking success in the ever-changing world we see around us today. Without this broad basis of knowledge, and hopefully accompanying understanding of many different areas of interest, we may not have the flexibility and adaptability necessary to succeed in the 21st century world.

Equally important in the pursuit of our career goals will be an area of intense focus and dedication. Students who acquire knowledge and understanding in the area of their interest will be able to transfer this specialization into a rewarding career easier than someone who has no particular focus or direction to their studies. Immersing ourselves in a major, living it for several years, eating it, sleeping with it and driving our friends crazy by talking about nothing else, means we have taken ownership of this field. It is no longer just something that we study, it is now something we live. It is this intensity and level of commitment to a major that can help us reach those lifelong career goals and ambitions.

An education that has both depth and breadth is important, and when such an education is combined with the other part of our learning experience, the internal self-growth process, it can provide us with the elements needed to reach any goal. Learning about ourselves is a critical factor that needs to happen while learning about our studies, for it is this knowledge of self that will enhance our chance for success throughout all aspects of our life.

As we go through the college experience and internalize the knowledge acquired in classes we can gain insight into our own values and beliefs. It will be important to process new information, then combine it with past experiences, past knowledge, personal morals, values, and beliefs. For example, as we learn about people of other cultures in Intracultural Socialization, we will also learn more about our own culture. As we learn about the environment in a Life Science class, we can learn about how we fit in the world and our responsibility to it. It is this learning about the world around us that will also affect the way we see ourselves in that world.

Another way a student’s self-growth process is influenced as they attend college is through the relationships they form with the other students and the instructors in which they come in contact. One way we can gain insight to ourselves is through the mirror of the people around us, and college definitely offers us a wide range of reflections by which to learn. In addition, some of the most meaningful relationships we will form can start in college. Friendships will be made that can last a lifetime between students who first met in college. Professors will often become mentors and role models, thus having great influence on our personal growth. All of these relationships will help us gain a better understanding of ourselves and how we fit in the world.

Of course, having fun at college by participating in sports, maybe even attending parties can also be part of the college experience. It is through all of these different aspects of college, learning, growing, and having fun, that we can gain a good understanding of ourselves and a good understanding of the world around us.

What can you learn about yourself while getting your education? Additionally, what can you learn about others and the world around you and how can you use that knowledge to be a better person and a better citizen?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Failed at Suicide, Thank Goodness

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day-
And you break free from the chains
Yeah, I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Don’t you know, things can change?
Things will go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day?
Things will go your way
Hold on for one more day

(from Wilson Phillips song, “Hold On”)

This particular song is not about suicide, but the words relate to the message in my story below. During some of the more difficult times in my life I would think about these words and try to believe them to be true, that if I held on for a while, maybe just one more day, things would get better for me.

There has been a lot of news stories lately about suicide, and suicide prevention efforts. As a mental health professional I have some experience with prevention and interventions regarding how to help people who are thinking about committing suicide. Beyond that, sadly, I also have some personal experience with attempting suicide.

When I was a child my household was one of violence and abuse. It was also a household of apathy, one in which there was no caring about me. No acknowledgement that I existed except to tell me to “go away and don’t bother me.” My father was out of the house by the time I was about nine years old, and my mother, while physically present in the house, was emotionally and mentally absent for as long as I can remember. My older brother was disturbed (a polite word for mentally ill) and unfortunately directed his anger and violence toward me. The physical abuse escalated over the years, but it was the apathy that was the most difficult part of growing up in this environment and the basis for my suicide attempts when I was young.

I attempted suicide twice, once with pills and once by cutting my wrists. Over the years as an adult I always knew about the pills, but it was not until I was in my forties that I remembered the cutting incident. Neither time did I really want to die. I was just desperate for someone, anyone, to care enough to help me. Before the attempts to end my life, I had tried to show others I needed help; tried in many other ways, but nothing worked. Eventually the screaming inside led me to using the pills and the cutting in the hopes someone, anyone, would notice what was happening and help me.

Unfortunately neither suicide attempt changed that apathetic environment I was living in. My mother’s response to my suicidal actions was one of annoyance. She was irritated that I bothered her. So her mantra of “don’t bother me” continued. Fortunately, neither of my suicide attempts were successful.

I tell this story, not for sympathy, but to let you and others know what I think could be behind many young people’s suicide attempts. It is possible that, like me, they really do not want to die, but could be desperately wanting someone to see their pain and help them. Noticing the signs of pain and depression early on can help parents, teachers, and others to reach out to those young people before it becomes a life and death situation. Maybe in our ongoing attempts at suicide prevention we keep in mind that helping these suffering kids, in fact all kids, to be heard and acknowledged can be an important first step.

I am glad I failed at suicide. I am glad I held on for one more day. Life did not get much better for me as a child, but life did get better. I was able to eventually break the chains of violence and abuse. I found people who would help me because I hung on, and hung on, and hung on. My hope in telling this story is that others who are in bad situations will hold on, hold on for one more day. For one more week. For one more month. For one more year. Hold on until they too can say

Failed at Suicide, Thank Goodness.

Change, Grow, Evolve

Win Some, Lose Some

I was playing one of my Solitaire games the other day on my laptop and was thinking about my score. I had 27 losing hands, and only 7 winning hands. Yet, my total score was in the positive; I was still winning the game.

I thought about how sometimes in my life I feel that I am losing more times than I am winning, and I can get discouraged. For example, I am feeling my old age, 77 years to be exact. And I cannot do all the things I used to be able to do.

I cannot remember all the things I used to easily remember.

I cannot physically do all the things I used to be able to easily do.

I cannot drive on all the long trips I used to do.

I cannot always be with the people I used to have in my life, cannot hug and love on all of them as I used to do.

I cannot . . . I cannot . . . I cannot . . .

Yes, all of this is true. There are many things in my life that I cannot do as easily as I used to be able to do. However, when I look at my life overall I can see that I am still in positive territory; I am still winning.

I am still able to remember many of the important things. I remember the times I succeeded in my careers and in my educational goals. I remember the times my children and grandchildren are so loving and caring toward me. I remember all the blessings God has offered me throughout my life, especially the ones that came when I needed them the most.

I am physically able to get around pretty well. I am able to walk the dogs every day and do many household chores. Most of the time I still feel generally healthy.

I am still able to drive on my own, including some long distances. I am able to safely, (mostly safely) handle myself behind the wheel of a car.

I can cherish the friends and family still in my life with whom I can hug, I can visit with, and I can love unconditionally.

Like most of us, my life has consisted of both some losing times and some winning times. For both, I am grateful. The losing times help me grow as a person, while the winning times remind me of the preciousness of life.

What are your winning times?

Change, Grow, Evolve

Undo/Redo

I have been playing too many computer/online games lately. How do I know this, you ask? Well, there are many signs. The battery in my iPads (yes, I have more than one) need to be charged way more often. My right hand, the one that I use to move my mouse, is getting sore more often. Etc, etc, etc.

One of the other signs that I am playing games too often is that from time to time I end up relating parts of the game play to my life in some way. For example, there is an Undo button in some of my games. This allows me to undo a move that I find out could have less than a positive result in the game I am playing. This Undo button is useful once I make another move and then with the new resulting knowledge, I realize that a different choice in moves would have better results. I have decided that I would like to have such an option in my real life, not just in my game life. I would like to Undo some of my life choices!

There have been times in my life where I made what I thought was the best move, the best decision if you will. However, as time went on and I experienced the results of that decision, I could tell that a different move, a different decision, would have been better. This is where a button to Undo would be beneficial. If only the decisions that I have made in the past, especially the ones that may have caused others pain, could be changed. If only my life had that Undo button!

Maybe, as you look back on your life decisions, your life moves, you too could use that Undo button. Have there been times when a decision you made caused pain to others, even though that was not your intention? Knowing what you know now, would you like to have the ability to Undo any decisions? I know I would. Of course, there is no life Undo button to click on to remedy hurt feelings and damaged relationships.

Wait, there may be something we can do! In many games, and even in some of my computer applications, along with that Undo button is a Redo button. Maybe we can pretend we have a life Redo button that we could use to help us repair and improve our relationships with our family, with our friends, with our work colleagues. While we cannot Undo what we have already done, I believe we can make things better in our relationships by asking those whom we have hurt for a Redo moment. A moment to make amends, a moment to express regret for the hurt we have caused, a moment to ask for forgiveness and a chance to connect again in a meaningful way. A moment to Redo.

Change, Grow, Evolve

I Can’t Make You Love Me

There is a song performed by Bonnie Raitt in which she sings the line, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.” I realize that this is meant to be a song to a rejecting lover, but each time I hear it, I think of how much those words can be applied to the child that I was and to the many other children who are abused and/or neglected by their parents each year.

I tried. I tried when I was a child. I tried when I was not a child any longer. But I never did make you love me. For as long as I can remember I had wanted my parents to love me. I wanted to matter to them. I wanted them to care that I was alive. When I was growing up, I always felt that I was in the way. My father was not in our lives, and my mother never wanted me to be around her. “Don’t bother me.” That was her primary message to me as I was growing up and even after I was an adult. I was not to bother her.

I never knew as a child what I did that bothered my mother so much; to this day I still cannot pinpoint what I did to annoy her. I knew from age five that the less contact I had with my mother, the better she liked it. I cannot ever remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me. I don’t even remember her ever spanking me. But I do remember the never ending messages that I was not welcome in her life.

I wanted you to love me so much. I wanted you to care about me, care that I was alive. I tried to be a good little girl so you would love me, but no matter how good I was it never worked. My mother never beat me. That would have meant that she would have had to spend some energy on me, and that she was unwilling to do. She never blatantly abused me, never called me names that I can remember. She would have had to acknowledge my presence in order to do that. No, her abuse was more subtle, and in many ways, more devastating to me as a person.

The fact was that I was not a person to her. She simply pretended that I did not exist. Any time that I reminded her of that fact, like talking to her, or wanting to be with her, she would tell me to go away and not bother her. It was best if I stayed out of her way. I was very quiet and shy, never did much wrong, trying to please her. Nothing I did, or did not do, seemed to make her care about me.

I tell you this sad story not to get your sympathy. I talk about this only to raise awareness about subtle child abuse and the importance of eliminating it. There is an old saying, “Children should be seen and not heard.” I disagree with this because it is vital that we not only see children, our own and others, but also hear them. We must recognize them and acknowledge their importance. We must let children know we care about them and that they have a place in our lives. If we do this, they may grow up to be better adults and better parents to their own children.

What can you and I do today to acknowledge the children in our life?

What can we do to make them feel valued and cared about every day?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

My Battery is Dead

When I went out to my garage the other morning, I found my car battery was dead. I had left the interior light on the night before (when I was trapped in my car by my seat belt, but that’s another story). That small, tiny light brought my SUV to its knees. My big car was rendered useless by a little voltage light!

To fix my dead car battery there needed to be jumper cables, another source of power, and some knowledge of how to make the connection work, while keeping everything safe. Some help from the folks at AAA was also required!

Sometimes in my life I feel like my own personal battery is dead. Every so often I feel drained of power. It seems that some of my smallest decisions can render my life at least temporarily ineffective. Do you ever feel this way?

When our own personal life battery is dead, what can we do to get revitalized? How will we connect to another source of power? What form of “jumper cables” will we need to connect to that source? Will we phone, text, email, or will we need an in-person visit? Who among our family and friends will be a source of positive power for us (our own personal AAA) and help us get recharged, reenergized? Will it be an easy recharge, or will it take more than a little effort?

On the other side of this analogy, it makes sense to look at the people in our lives who are draining us of energy. What tiny issue, like my tiny interior car light, is going to drain the life out of you or I? Even some of the most trivial experiences or conversations with others can have a large impact on us and our energy. Maybe it is my age, or my recent health challenges, but I want to avoid the people who are negative influences and deplete me of my energy.

The good news is that you and I can recharge our own internal battery any time we choose. Sometimes we can do it all by ourselves, all we need is an easy fix, a quick jumpstart. Other times we may need more; we may need the help of others. We need to look for the people in our lives that can give us a positive charge.

Who will be that positive source of power for you?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Where Have I Been? Where Will I Be Tomorrow?

Summing up my life in these two questions will certainly help me focus on what I consider to be the most important aspects of the last seventy-six years. Of course, this is only my perspective of my life, and only from the perspective that I have today.

Looking back to where I have been I see a very unhappy child, raised without nurturing. There were parents, two in the beginning. There was an older brother, not my ally. I knew it was a place that caused me great anguish, but I accepted it as normal. Today I know better; it was anything but normal. However, that childhood did have an enormous impact on who I am today.

When I became an adult at the ripe old age of eighteen, I got married and had children. I had wanted to attend college, for I loved school. In spite of knowing that I really wanted to wait to get married, I went ahead and did that, mostly in order to get out of a violent household. My marriage lasted for fourteen years and then ended in divorce. I was faced with taking care of two children on my own with only harassment from their father. It began the most challenging and the most exciting time of my life.

With the help of some great people, I spent the next few years learning about myself. I learned what a special person I was, and therefore, learned how special other people were also. I learned that the world was full of wonderful things and wonderful people, and I went on a quest to discover all I could about both.

I excelled in my business career but still wanted to fulfill my dream of attending college. In my forties, I decided to walk away from a lucrative business career in management and marketing to become a fulltime student. It was one of the best decisions of my life. Ultimately, I earned undergraduate and graduate degrees; next, came a license as a marriage family counselor. Combined with my degrees and license I became a practicing mental health therapist and later an instructor in a professional counseling program at a university. Years passed as I pursued both careers and that part of my life was good.

My personal life was not always as good. Over the years there were many joys, and many challenges in my family life. One of my greatest joys was when my son got married and he and his wife gave me two wonderful granddaughters. There were many good years having these beautiful girls in my life, attending dance events, school events, and holiday celebrations. They were the light of my life! Alas, that changed, and this light has gone dim, for I have not seen these granddaughters in several years. My hope is that someday I will be in their lives once again.

While that part of my family life has been challenging, the other part of my family, life with my daughter has been interesting and exciting. When my daughter was young, we had issues, but we worked on those issues and now we are very close. Close emotionally, and close geographically. Really close geographically – we live together! Sheri has been there for me through many challenges, most notably my recent health issues. I am very grateful to have her in my life.

Now looking beyond my current seventy-six years leads me to where I am going next. That’s easy. I am going to continue to explore what is important to me—people and personal growth. I will do this through my writing, my teaching, my travels, and my relationships with the people in my life. I have discovered that by being the best I am capable of being, I offer the best to others and this then helps me to better recognize the best in others.

Where have you been? Where are you now? Where will you be tomorrow?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

If Only My Childhood Had Been Different

As we struggle to make a good life for ourselves, it can be easy to blame our past for all our problems. At times we may want to blame our parents and our childhood as the whole reason we are the way we are, and our life is the way it is. While there is much research on the effects of childhood on a person’s development, it should not be used as an excuse for how we live our lives today.

I had a very chaotic and violent childhood with an apathetic mother, an uninvolved father, and an abusive brother. My father was out of the picture early on, doing what he did best – taking advantage of others, drinking, and gambling. My mother wanted me to just leave her alone, to use her words “don’t bother me.” Don’t bother her with the fact that my brother was beating me up on a regular basis or abusing me in other ways. Just don’t bother her.

This childhood resulted in my looking for a way out of the house as soon as possible. So, I did just that. Instead of going to college as I had always wanted to do after high school, I got married and moved out. I made a life for myself, be it a challenging life. The marriage lasted fourteen years. Throughout the ups and downs of this part of my life I believe I still developed into what I am today, a good person with successful careers and healthy people in my life. In my mind, there is no blaming those early years for my struggles; instead, I chose to celebrate them because those years helped me develop some of the best parts of myself.

However, I do sometimes think about all that could have been if only my childhood had been different, if only my parents had been healthy and supportive. I definitely would not have gotten married so young and would have pursued my dream of going to college right after high school. Maybe I could have been a doctor. Maybe I could have been a scientist. Maybe I could have gotten a PhD. Maybe I could have been a teacher.

Putting all the maybes aside, in time I decided to create my own experiences and I actually did become an educator, teaching both in the business world and at colleges and universities. In spite of not going to college myself until later in life, I found a way to make one of my dreams come true, regardless of growing up in a less than healthy environment. I learned it is up to me, up to all of us, to decide what we can do now to achieve our goals and fulfill our dreams, in spite of early negative experiences.

What did you do or become in spite of difficult childhood experiences?

Most importantly, what can you do now to make a difference, both for yourself and for the people around you?

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

Tunnels

As I traveled through Alaska years ago I experienced something I don’t usually encounter on a daily basis. I traveled through many, many tunnels. Some really short; some very, very long.

During certain times in all our lives it may seem that we are in darkness, in a tunnel if you will. During these trying times we may feel alone, maybe even helpless. Darkness envelopes us and we are unable to see far enough ahead to where there will be light again; where there will be happiness and peace again. We have no way of seeing what is ahead, what is in the future. In life we would like to see beyond the darkness, so we can plan and prepare for what is ahead.

Being in the dark part of our lives is often uncomfortable and can render us paralyzed, unable to make decisions. We could move forward and soon be out of the darkness if we could accept our dark periods and then strive to get to the light. How many times do we stay stuck in the middle, in the dark? Not willing to move toward an unknown source of light ahead because sometimes the unknown tends to be scarier than the dark could ever be. Unfortunately, we will stay in the darkness if we don’t move at all.

I believe we choose our paths in life. Sometimes these paths are easy; sometimes we may find a big mountain right in the middle of our journey. We could turn back; we could try to go over the mountain; we could try to go around it. However, sometimes the only path that will work is to go straight through the mountain, which may include a dark tunnel. That may be the only way to get through to the other side, to get to the light.

So, what can we do? Well, we can do nothing. We can stay still and not move at all when fear of the darkness, fear of the unknown hits. However, if we do nothing, don’t we stay in the dark longer? Isn’t hitting our head a few times or stubbing our toe now and then better than staying stuck? Isn’t it worth a little pain to move forward in the tunnel (in our life) so we can get out of the tunnel and see the light again? One way to do this is to remember other times in our lives when we made it through a dark time and then came out the other side, into the light, into a better place. We made it through the darkness before and we can do it again!

The roads of our lives will sometimes lead us through the darkest of tunnels. These roads can also eventually lead us to the brightest parts of our future. Are these roads worth it? Only you can answer that!

Change, Grow, Evolve

©bcreed

What is Your Gift?

I believe that all human beings are given a gift from God. A gift that is to be shared with the world. A gift that a person may not even know they have, but a gift that will show itself in many small ways during a person’s lifetime.

This gift will resonate inside a person and come out as a passionate interest or activity. Unfortunately, many of us go through our lives not paying attention to this internal process, for sometimes the world we live in gets in the way. Our fears and doubts about ourselves can be a barrier to acknowledging and celebrating our gift. This special gift each of us has may be what helps us get through the hard times we experience. That was the case for me.

I have always had writing as part of my life. When growing up in a chaotic household I used writing to get myself to another place. I wrote stories about experiences I wanted to happen, places I wanted to be, and people I wished were in my life. Eventually I became an adult and still found that writing, in one form or another was important and meaningful to me.

As a business person, mostly in sales and marketing, I used my writing skills to create business plans and compose proposals for increasing my customer base. When I was finally able to attend college late in life, I looked forward to the class writing assignments and I always preferred essay type tests over multiple-choice examinations. As a college professor I enjoyed reading my students’ essays and helping them improve their writing skills.

Over the years, decades really, my daughter has heard me say I am supposed to write. I do believe it is my gift, my talent, or my whatever you want to call it. Writing literally may have saved my life, or at least my sanity, growing up so I feel I need to honor this gift today and pursue different writing opportunities. Thus, I started this blog a couple of years ago.

However, I keep putting off the writing; I do not know why but I do. I start many writing projects but do not always finish them. I have many ideas and many potential articles on my computer. I know that being successful in writing begins with, you guessed it, writing! Getting started with writing will lead to more writing, will lead to better writing, will lead to good writing, may even lead to great writing. Therefore, I need to get started. But will I?

What is your gift? How will your gift benefit the world? How will using your gift benefit you?

Change, Grow, Evolve