That is me, worn down and worn out.
I feel like my body resembles a long-owned piece of clothing in my closet, one that has been around too long and been worn too many times. It is frayed and wrinkled, been washed so many times it is faded and out of shape. That is me!
People around me, my supporters and friends, tell me this is to be expected given what I have endured this year: Diagnosed with cancer, had a biopsy, endured chemotherapy, undergone surgery and dealing with the complications from that surgery. Supposedly, it is normal to feel the way I do.
However, I disagree; I do not feel normal at all. I feel defeated and depressed. The tears come too easily, and the lack of energy is ongoing. Mentally I am as tired as I am physically. This is not normal, at least not the normal I used to experience. It is hard to believe that there is an end to this dark tunnel. Yet, believe is what I need to do.
I need to believe in my doctors and their recommendations. I need to believe the treatments they are advocating will rid me of my disease forever. I need to believe in my own resilience (if I can find it, that is!). I need to believe that what is happening to me is happening for a reason, a reason way beyond my understanding.
While I need to believe in all of the above, I am having difficulty doing so. I am often disappointed in myself, in my lack of faith. Faith has been the rock upon which I have survived many difficulties throughout my life. Survived and thrived, in fact. Keeping myself optimistic and focusing on the positives that will be in my future has been my mantra forever. Now that mantra is being tested. And it is a test I am not going to get an “A” on.
I know there are so many others out there in the same cancer boat as I, people who have recovered and gone on to live happy and productive lives. I suppose I need to accept that being worn down and worn out is okay for right now. It is my “new normal.”
Change, Grow, Evolve
©bcreed
Senior Metamorphosis Moments 